There are days when it just doesn't seem worth it to keep going. I pretty much feel like that right now. I'm so tired of being poor and harrassed. I've not slept well -- barring one night -- for probably three months. I'm beginning to think the black rings around my eyes may well be permanent now.
Friends would be nice: I got the royal sham tonight from somebody I've wanted to talk to for days. Not that it was so very bad in itself (nor was it a pleasure) but the timing was all wrong. I mean, Jeez, not *tonight*.
Or having fun would be nice. Or being happy. Besides the same time as the good night's rest, the last time I was happy was driving to the Employment Office months ago. I remember it quite well: the sun, the color, zipping around old 86, the to do for BossaNova on the radio...
Being poor takes so much energy that sometimes I think it may just be easier to give up: a draught of sleeping pills or a flick of a razor.*
Oh, I know I should stop moaning. I called and got extensions on the last three pressing bills and paid the last of the overdue rent today. All I need before next paycheck is $20 for the phone bill, which I need before Thursday, but I think I can get.
But I'll be busted till 13 December. (My next paycheck is total already budgeted out.) Most of that's spoken for, as well.
Okay, Jay, make yourself Happy:
Top Ten Things I would do with Ten Guilt-Free Dollars:
10) A six-pack of Rolling Rock Lite
9) The Perks of Being A Wallflower
8) A ticket to Harry Potter
7) a large latte with a shot of raspberry
6) Anne Rice's Queen of the Damned
5) a Wendy's Spicy Chicken Combo, Biggie-sized
4) A ticket to the new James Bond movie
3) New Lemony Snicket
2) Any of the Doctor Who novels from the past six months
1) Belle and Seabstian's If You're Feeling Sinister on VINYL**
Speaking of Belle and Sebastian, there was this faboo show on WXDU tonight as I drove home from work. I called in and requested B&S and they played "The Wrong Girl." Whoot!
I'm beginning to feel all slightly swoony of late, and it's worth mentioning cause it makes me feel so much better, but I don't like to talk about these kinds of things before the fact, out of supersticious fear. That, and I have a gentleman's sense of discretion.
I mean, somebody who can correct my French and Latin...
*Chill out. Like I'm brave enough to try.
**I've so decided this will be First Purchase after I actually make money. I'll sit in my hovel and listen to Judy and the Dream of Horse and Stars of Track and Field over and over, drink beer and be happy.
I may cry. I mean I want to now, but that's the one thing I will not let myself do till I break even. I'm afraid if I start, I just won't stop. I mean, this shit is really hard to get through. And that's how I've decided to celebrate getting through it.
The 13th of December after I cash my check, get out of work, I'm going to CD Alley and buying that album.