Friday, September 05, 2008


It's not much of a secret that I think conspiracy theories are stupid. Stupid in the worst way, because 99% of them are totally derivative of something CTers are too stupid to recognize as fiction --The Manchurian Candidate, The Matrix, V For Vendetta, 1984, Doctor Who (for which, see below) -- but insist as passing off as their own unique theory.

Generally speaking, they're cooked up by people with fundamental social flaws as a way to make themselves feel superior to the rest of us because they've figured out What's Really Going On(TM). It's no doubt a good thing that their retarded social skills prevent the vast majority of them from actually going out and doing anything about Them -- I mean, Timothy McVeigh was a CTer who /did/ go out and do something, but not even the CTers think he managed to accomplish anything useful. Just killing 200 innocent people.

I think that's 0-1 for the CT community, then.

The New World Order people are almost the worst, just under the 9/11 conspiracy idiots who don't even deserve to be mocked: they can't tell you who the NWO is (except maybe the Rockefellers, or maybe the Jews as a fungible mass*, or just possibly shape-shifting reptile people who may or may not be from Earth**) or what exactly they want, but by god, they know they're out there, waiting in the wings to enslave the human race, blow up planet Earth, initiate nuclear fusion in Jupiter (or is it Saturn?) with the Galileo space probe (or is it Cassini?) and live in wealth and luxury on Europa (or was it Titan?).

No, seriously. People think this. And sadly, they expect to be taken seriously, and vae tibi should you point out normality to them.

So needless to say, I don't buy into them. Except one that I heard last year that I thought about today when I saw they're making a live-action G. I. Joe movie***.

This is also stupid. But I will go see it, just like I went and saw the live-action Transformers film. Me and several million other people (uhh, mostly male) who were young in the 1980s are now the dupes of a clever marketing strategy begun by Japan in the mid 1980s.

Of course, back then, all it was was programming us to make our parents via incessant whining go buy the dolls we saw on TV every afternoon after school. And, oh, we did. And we thought that after puberty, it was all over and done with. But no.

Now that exact same programming is making us paw over $12 a pop (Plus dates. Plus popcorn. Plus soft drinks. Plus the damn Fandango surcharge) to see crap movies without a second thought. Really, I just ought to mail Hasbro two $20 bills and save myself the trouble, but I won't. I suppose that even though I'm a lot smarter than I was in 1986, I still don't know.

And knowing is half the battle.

*Yes, just like the Nazis. They even still tend to use 70-year-old "Aw-shucks, we're not really talking 'bout the Jews, but we're talkin' 'bout the Jews"-type circumlocutions like "the International Banking community"...

**Yes, the Silurians off Doctor Who. At least, I've never seen any Terran pre-historic, super-advanced lizard man theory that pre-dates Mac Hulke's 1970 version of them, anyway.

***Joseph Gordon-Levy is playing Cobra Commander****, which pretty much makes it a cert he's a big 'mo. Is he out of the closet yet?

****Honestly, he's not ugly. At all. Especially for a college drop out. Why stick him under a mask?

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